The Captain's Blog ™

I’m fed up with television programme producers who assume that the average member of their viewing audience has the memory span of a goldfish.

Actually, after a quick fact check, I’ve discovered that’s unfair to goldfish: they can apparently remember as far back as three months – who’d have thought? Still, you get my drift.

Why (oh why) do TV producers think that a commercial break wipes our memories? After a period of just a few minutes, I for one am PERFECTLY capable of remembering what occured during the previous segment(s) of the programme. What’s more, I can’t bear the mind-numbing repetition of facts, not to mention footage.

Please understand: we neither want nor need to hear or see the same stuff repeated over and over again! And please don’t try to justify it by arguing that it’s intended for people who may have tuned in late. If that’s the case, they can easily pick up the tale without help. Focus instead on your regular viewers who tune in (or record) on time.

For those who are willing and able to afford it, Sky+ can help enormously. Not only can you wait to watch a programme until after it’s been recorded (allowing you to zip through breaks and sponsors’ bits), you can also fast forward through superfluous repetition. Even so, this issue still ruins programmes. Besides which, viewers simply shouldn’t have to resort to solutions like Sky+ in order to make programmes sufficiently bearable to watch.

Among the worst offenders are Channel 4 programmes like Location (etc), Relocation (etc), Grand Designs and Property Ladder (or Property Snakes & Ladders – which has recently been a bit better). That said, they’re not alone. Mrs Consumer and I recently watched the first instalment of the “Hotel Inspector” on Five. Due to bucketloads of pointless repetition, it was also definitely the last episode we’ll be watching.

PLEASE, producers – give us sufficient credit to appreciate that we can recall the whos, whats and whys that have been presented so far during any given show.

I mean, honestly, do you see films split into 15 minute portions, each of which includes a few minutes of content to remind you what you watched during the last 15 minute serving?

Talk about dumbing down! And it’s also verging on criminal! You must have hours of footage. Surely you could show us extra stuff that we’d all be far more interested in seeing? But no, you insist on treating us like absent-minded morons at the start of each segment. Not only is this pointless, when you really think about it, it’s actually verging on insulting!

As my doctor recently put it, I’m getting “less and less young” (bless him). As are we all. So please, folks in TV land, stop wasting the precious minutes that we’re choosing to spend watching your shows. Give us a full helping of unique content. Not versions that spend half the time repeating what you’ve already said and done so far. As for “revisited” editions – don’t even get me started!

I’m sure that Kirstie, Phil, Kevin, Jasmine, Jonnie, Sarah and all of our other beloved TV presenters will be able to cope with some extra narration in place of the incessant repetition. In fact, you could probably fit in some extra features. How about, for example, Sarah Beeny swearing behind the scenes at the sheer idiocy of some of her subjects (as surely she must)? Or outtakes at the end of Location (etc) à la Have I Got A Bit More News For You?

Whilst I’m at it, on a related note, enough too with the equally offensive crime of stuffing previews of upcoming content into the opening minutes of shows. We’re already watching and we don’t want our viewing of the upcoming programme to be spoiled by being shown all the best bits in advance!

Just show us your programmes, as they are, without “flashbacks” or “flashforwards”!

Pretty please?